Why Did I Forget About the Onion?

In college, I would read The Onion all the time.  But now?  Not so much.  And why why do I not, because look how hilarious this article is?

Woman Married To Fat, Emotionally Distant Vampire Escapes Into 'Twilight' Novels

At first Sara was content with her role as homemaker, cleaning the vast Gothic manse the couple shared and cooking meals that met the strict sanguinary requirements of Andrei's diet. But according to friends, things started to change a few years ago.

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Sara Pastor can't even remember the last time her husband battled a wolf for her affection.

Sara's dream husband began spending more and more time secluded in darkened alcoves with his cape drawn over his face. Before long, Andrei—once a stealthy hunter who easily stalked young and healthy prey—started feeding excessively on any slow-moving person who happened to wander by the house, and soon ballooned to almost twice his normal weight.

"When we were first married, Andrei was so dark and mysterious," Pastor said wistfully. "These days, pretty much all he does is sit around swilling blood and watching ESPN."

Added Pastor, "Edward would never do that to Bella."

Love it!  You can read the rest of the article here.